||Feb 12th, 2003
HOWARD STERN SHOW TRANSCRIPT
Filed under: Uncategorized
Camera first show Paula walking into the hallway outside the studio.
Security/Usher: Just follow the camera.
Camerman: Hi Paula, how are you doing?
Paula: I'm doing great. How are you?
Camerman: I'm fine. I heard you were a little under the weather today?
Paula: Oh, I've been...I had strep throat.
Cameraman: Ohh...you okay, though?
Paula: Yeah, I wouldn't miss Howard for the world. He doesn't even think I'm coming. (She stops and waits)
Cameraman: You nervous?
Paula: No, should I be?
Cameraman: No, not at all.
Paula: Come on, tell me. (turns corner where Simon is waiting)
Camerman: Don't be. There's no reason to be nervous.
(Simon approaches her)
Paula: (sarcastically) Hello. (Simon says something, then reaches both his arms out to try and hug her and she turns her back to him and steps around him) Get the heck away from!
Simon: (shocked, pissed look on his face) I'm sorry I'm late, Simon.
(Paula glares at him then walks into a room where Randy, Terri and some other unidentified people are waiting. Terri's smiling brightly and Paula falls right into Randy's arms)
(Camera cuts to Howard, then to Simon and Randy walking down the hall towards the studio)
Howard: Alright, here is the stars of American Idol. Simon Cowell, the mean dude, Randy Jackson, the black dude, and Paula Abdul. (Simon walks in) Hey Simon!
Simon: I apologize.
Howard: Don't apologize, it's not your fault. It's not you. (pause, Randy holding the door open for Paula) There's Randy. What's up Randy? (pause) How are ya, Simon? I wanna see your hot girlfriend.
Simon: Bring her in.
Howard: I will, I wanna see what you're banging. (Paula and Randy walk in) Oh, Paula! All decked out, too. Looking good. Hey! Hey Randy, how are you? Come in and sit down, everybody relax.
Simon: I'm not sure about your shadow (the microphone was making a shadow on his shirt).
Howard: Paula, what's that, a see-through shirt? Look at that. You look hot. You look hot, baby.
Robyn: Yeah, Simon, no one's looking at you.
Howard: No one's looking at you, brother. (pause) Simon's level of women has gone way up since he's come to America.
Robyn: Yeah, I saw him on...uh..MTV Cribs. And I thought, "This has got to be embarrassing" because it looks like he has to bring this girl on the Cribs episode to get her to date him!
Randy: Ooh, that's cold.
Paula gives Robyn a thumbs up.
Simon: Robyn, can I ask you something? Are you having a medical condition?
Paula: Right on the money, Robyn. It's true.
Simon: Because your eyes are narrow...you're...you're not yourself today.
Paula: Robyn's just telling the truth.
Robyn: Oh my goodness, that's just the impression I got. I'm asking you, is that the case?
Simon: (nods) Yes. Yes.
Paula: (nods) Although, she's a lovely girl.
Howard: Yeah, why not take advantage of the situation? You never banged any of the contestants, though?
Howard: Now Paula, you're laughing. Do you feel like maybe he got it on with someone? Any...uh...any of the kids?
Paula: Definitely not.
Howard: Paula, have you ever engaged in sex with another women? Go on, answer the question.
Simon, Paula, and Randy laugh.
Randy: I wanna know this.
Paula: Oh Howard, what goes on in my pants, stays in my pants.
Howard: You've never been with another woman? So that's a yes?
Paula: I...I do know beauty in both women and men.
Robyn: Ohh...uh oh. Wow, Paula!
Howard: She's been with a woman. That's hot.
Simon: (to Robyn) Hang on, does Bitter have anything to say?
Robyn: I think that's great if that's what Paula wants to do. What are you talking about?
Howard: Paula, what is your sex life like these days?
Paula: It's boomin'.
Howard: Yeah? You got a boyfriend?
Howard: You do? Who is he?
Paula: No one that you know.
Randy: Wow, Paula.
Simon: You never told us that.
Paula: (to Howard) And I can't believe I just said it to you.
Howard: Your choice in men is peculiar to me.
Paula: Oh, like you have a lot to judge it on, Howard.
Robyn: Well, he knows one of your guys very well.
Paula: Oh, I know.
Howard: He's very peculiar. (laughs) No, you had sex with John Stamos. I know that. How was that?
Guy in the background: Really?
Howard: Yeah, she dated John Stamos. Some time ago. He's married to Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.
Paula: Yeah, the hottest couple. That's a good-looking couple.
Howard: Were you in love with him?
Paula: Was I in love with him? I loved him. I did. He's a great guy.
Howard: What happened there, what went wrong?
Paula: Uh...just kinda outgrew each other. I don't know.
Howard: Who else did you go out with?
Everyone: EMILIO ESTEVEZ!
Howard: That's right, Emilio Estevez. I can see why you dumped his ass.
Paula: Shut up.
Howard: He dumped you? Did you dump Emilio?
Paula: I...would you stop it?
Howard: How big was his penis?
Paula: Stop it. He's a great guy. Come on.
Robyn: How long was that marriage?
Paula: Oh Robyn, let's see. Way back then. It was...it was a little over two years.
Howard: (sarcastic) Well, it was a long marriage.
Paula: He's great guy from a great family. Come on now.
Howard: Wait a second, I got your whole dating history here. Who else did you date?
Robyn: Yeah, I forgot the others.
Howard: Oh, and the DJs. Mark and Brian you dated.
Robyn: Oh no, you dated Mark and Brian?
Howard: The DJs in Los Angeles. Two of the lamest DJs in the world. If you're gonna date a DJ...come on.
Paula: At least I dated them both at the same time and that was exciting.
Howard: Why Mark and Brian?
Paula: It was fun for a....
Howard: What happened with them?
Paula: I went on a couple of dates with them. That's it.
Howard: Was it horrible?
Paula: They're funny.
Howard: I don't think a woman in bed wants funny.
Coming back from commerical.
Howard: Okay, let's do this quickly. Get four people in here.
Randy: Four people?
Robyn: Yeah, we'll warm you up so you can start getting ready...
Howard: Four people. We're gonna warm you up for the show. Get people in the mood for the show. All you're gonna do is give me your opinion of each performance.
Simon: Are they good?
Howard: I don't know. The first performer is Christina. Christina actually auditioned for American Idol and was rejected.
Simon: By who?
Howard: By you guys. I wanna see...she claims it's because you are against her ethnically. Isn't that true Christina?
Christina: No, no, no. I said they're looking for a certain look and I feel like maybe I didn't have the look that they're looking for. You know, not because of my ethnic background. And it is an American Idol...I thought they were looking for...you know, and American look.
Howard: Alright, let me hear you sing and then I wanna hear why they rejected you. That's the idea. Do a little bit, give us thirty seconds of whatever you want to sing.
Christina: Okay. (sings "America, America")
Howard: Alright, stop for a minute.
Simon: (to Christina) Well, I can say exactly why you didn't get through.
Howard: Tell me why she didn't...
Simon: Well, she's not a very good singer.
Howard: Yeah, but I hear that and I think, "She sounds like all those other dopes that are on that show." Really...
Robyn: (laughing) She sounds like the other dopes...
Howard: No, but really, she's not a good singer?
Simon: Robyn, you and I are gonna have words.
Robyn: But that's what he said.
Simon: You and I are gonna have words...
Robyn: I'll tell ya one thing, she could perform in England.
Simon: (to Robyn) You couldn't.
Randy: Robyn is COLD today!
Howard: No, I've heard Robyn sing. She's fabulous.
Simon: Robyn's going to get a thrashing later. I'm going to thrash her.
Randy: I like Robyn, though.
Howard: Paula, do you agree with what Simon says?
Paula: No, I do not agree that she's not a good singer.
Christina: Thank you.
Paula: This is the situation from last season. The bar has been raised from last season. And you know that ten times...Here's the thing, the large margin of people who came in...the biggest pool were all good singers...
Howard: (interrupts) What are you wearing on your lips? They shine. What is that, gloss?
Paula: (slyly) And...and they taste good, too.
Howard: You look good.
Paula: Thank you.
Howard: You look very well put together.
Randy: She was alright, though, that's the thing. You know what I'm saying?
Paula: It is. (to Christina) You are a good singer, but we were looking for someone with...yeah.
Howard: It's not her ethnic look?
Randy: Oh dude, definitely not. You look great.
Paula: She's beautiful.
Christina: Thank you, but...um...I was just gonna say, you know, it's like...I do have people you do think
I have talent. Like right now...
Howard: Who, like your mom?
Christina: No, not my mom. Actually, the last show I was in here for the enter Beauty Pageant. Um...Steve Curlis and um...Don DeVito were interested in me. I'm working with them right now.
Simon: Let me tell you something. If someone says they're interested in you, they're patronizing you.
Randy: They are.
Christina: I'm sorry?
Simon: If someone says they're interested in this business, they either want to get in your pants or they're patronizing you.
Paula: Oh, you know...
Randy: That can be true, though.
Paula: Sometimes it's not, though. Sometimes.
Randy: He's got a point there, though?
Simon: If they...I'm telling you, Paula...if they really want to do something, they will sign you up.
Howard: Paula, isn't it true a lot of guys got into your pants at the beginning of your career to get things going?
Howard: Lot of interest that way. I'm kidding of course. Listen, this is Tim. Give Tim a shot. Tim wants to do a song for you.
Christina: (leaving) Thank you.
Paula: Thank you so much.
Howard: I'll tell you, Paula. I've got something for your career...and I don't want to get into your pants, promise.
Paula: Howard, I can't believe I've stayed here this long.
"Tim" (who is really Josey Scott from Saliva) walks in.
Howard: Tim, what do you do, you a singer?
"Tim": A singer.
Howard: And what are you going to sing for us?
"Tim": Hero from the Spiderman soundtrack.
Howard: Oh, okay. And have you ever auditioned for American Idol?
"Tim": Never have.
Howard: Okay, go ahead. This is Hero from where?
"Tim": From Spiderman.
Simon: How old are you?
"Tim": I'm 30.
Simon: Oh, well that's why.
Robyn: Too old?
Howard: Too old to be a star?
Simon: Not too old to be a star, just too old for this competition. Maybe that'll change, though.
Howard: Alright, let's listen.
"Tim" performs for a about thirty seconds and they show a split screen of Josey backstage talking about all his success with Saliva.
Howard: Alright, I'm gonna stop you now. (to Simon) Tell what you think of this guy.
Simon: He's alright.
Howard: He's alright what?
Simon: He's alright.
Howard: He's just okay?
Howard: Not great?
Howard: Paula, what do you think?
Paula: You got a nice tone. The thing is, you had no projection and you closed your eyes the whole time. That's the one thing you look at, like if you can engage with us...
Randy: Yeah, he was alright, though.
Howard: Now, here's the funny thing. This is Simon's worst nightmare. His real name is Josey Scott and he is the creator of that song and the lead singer of the band. He's sold millions of records.
Simon gives him a "you got me" look, while everyone laughs.
Randy: I thought he looked familiar.
Howard: He's in the band, Saliva, and he had a hit record with that.
Paula: So therefore, my comment in a since... I said you closed your eyes and you had a good voice...
Howard: Now Simon, what does that mean?
Simon: I don't know what I'm talking about?
Paula: Thank you, thank you!
Randy: He's a little more animated when he performs, though.
Paula: (to Simon) Make him say that a little bit louder.
Simon: I've always said this on the show: we'll contradict ourselves, we'll get it right, we'll get it wrong.
Howard: Well then, doesn't this prove Paula's point?
Howard: That a lot of times, it's not necessarily whether the song is the right song for them. But that these people have talent and they don't necessarily have to be THE best singer.
Simon: But you know what, Howard? I've always worked in pop music, I've never professed to know anything other than pop music, which is why I've always stayed in that field. I don't understand anything else.
Howard: Josey, how many singles did you sell with that?
Josey: Eight million.
Josey: I got three Grammy nominations, I just won an AMA the other night. (to Paula) I was snuggled up to you on the red carpet, baby. (Paula claps) I took pictures with you.
Randy: You know what? Bob Marlett's that's one of my friends.
Josey: Yeah, Bob's our producer.
Howard: It brings up the age thing as well.
Simon: Well, listen, the age thing in the future will change. But, I mean, we've never met before, but if you get a gig like the Spiderman theme tune, then you're gonna have a hit record. You get on American Idol and win, you gonna get a hit record. If half these kids didn't go on our show would not have hits.
Howard: I just want to thank Josey for doing this.
Paula: Josey, thank you so much.
Josey: Thank y'all so much for having me. I want to send a shout to all my people in Memphis, TN, too. We love you guys.
Howard: We love you, too, man and thank you for coming in and doing this. Good dude.
(Josey starts to leave)
Simon: Better than Britney Spears.
Josey: Number one rock song in America, number one rock song always. (gives peace sign)
Guy in background: Hey Josey, maybe if you make eye contact, you'll sell 9 million records.
Back from commercial
Howard: What did I say about Randy? I think I pointed out one phrase that you used over and over. What was the phrase?
Robyn: "You're doing your thing, man. You're doing your thing."
Howard: Right, you're doing your thing. Besides the three names. Howard, Howard, Howard.
Howard: Will you change this season because of the success? Will you become more acerbic like Simon? Will you try to change your act or will you stay the same?
Robyn: Well, Randy got a little nastier even as the show went on.
Randy: You know what I'm saying. See, she knows me.
Howard: You got into the nasty thing a little bit.
Robyn: Well, they got a little nasty with each other, they almost came to blows.
Randy: See, Simon's rubbing off on all of us.
Robyn: Oh Paula, you can't go down that road.
Howard: Paula, will you get nasty this season?
Paula: I might get a little nasty.
Howard: You hate Simon still? You don't hate him because he is the reason the show took off, isn't it?
Howard: Am I wrong to say that? I mean, Simon...Simon being acerbic is what happened and because he was being honest, everyone liked the show, isn't that right?
Paula: (looks at Simon) It's all about Simon.
Simon: Good point.
Howard: It's not all about Simon.
Paula: It is all about Simon.
Howard: Yeah, but the fact of the matter is, you must be happy that the show is so successful. It's made you guys stars and you like his attitude.
Paula: Love it.
Randy: Yeah, well...
Howard: Isn't this the greatest gig in the world, though? You sit there and judge people on their singing talent...and...and you get paid.
Simon nods rapidly.
Howard: Now, is the pay scale different? Simon, you get two million. What does Paula get?
Simon sighs and gives him an annoyed look and Paula laughs.
Howard: Paula, what do you get?
Simon continues looking annoyed.
Howard: Well, Simon, you do get two million. Why is this a sore spot with you? You usually talk about everything.
Paula: What did you get on Hollywood Squares, too? I wanna know.
Howard: I wanna know.
Randy: I wanna know, too.
Howard: You need to give that to charity. I couldn't picture you doing that.
Robyn: Simon on the hot seat...doesn't like it.
Simon: Yeah, well.
Howard: Don't you love these shows who say give the money to charity? I'm like, "Hey, I could use the money."
Simon: I'm with you.
Howard: Did you give them your donation? Did you give the money you made on Hollywood Square to charity?
Simon: Are you supposed to?
Howard: I think so.
Robyn: Simon hadn't heard.
Simon: Yeah, I'm gonna sit there all day long then give the money...yeah, right...
Howard: Did you like that show, Hollywood Squares? Was it the most boring, insipid show?
Simon: I found it awkward.
Howard: Talk to me about this paying difference. Are you the star of the
show? Are Paula and Randy not as well paid as you?
Randy: Yeah, let's...I like Howard. Howard, you're doing your thing, man.
Howard: (laughs) I am. I am doing my thing.
Simon: You know, I think we all...we all, you know, have different people negotiating for us. But you know, I...I don't know what everyone got paid.
Howard: Why not, though? Randy, do you talk about...would you announce what you got paid?
Randy: No, it's too much.
Howard: It's too much, but not as much as Simon makes.
Randy: I don't know. I'm just shocked to hear that he's getting two million, I didn't know that.
Howard: You read that, I'm sure.
Randy: I heard.
Paula: I think I'm the only one who never discusses money, or what I make.
Howard: Are you happy with what you're making?
Paula: I'm fine with what I'm making.
Howard: Does it bother you, though, that Simon makes more than you?
Paula: I hope Simon gets all the money in the world. That's what makes him happy.
Simon: It does, actually. No, it does.
Howard: Paula, you're a wealthy woman from all your album sells and touring and stuff like that. I remember, you made 23 millions dollars one year, that was your income. You were like on... one of the top 30 entertainers list, so you're set, but doesn't it bother you that Simon gets paid more money?
Paula: Honest to God, no. This is Simon's show. I'm just a visitor, having fun what I do on the show... and really, it's not about that.
Howard: You know what's interesting? I saw a metamorphosis with you,
Paula. When the show first started, I got the feeling that when you got hired to do it, you were reluctant, you probably didn't even want to do it. I mean, in a lot of the early tapes... I see, you didn't even put any make-up on. You were not interested at all in how you look. I think you thought this was gonna be on cable somewhere.
Everyone laughs loudly, especially Simon.
Howard: And then, when the show took off, I saw... you started dolling yourself up. I mean, it was unbelievable. So I mean, am I correct in my analysis of this?
Paula: (laughs) Kinda.
Robyn: He caught you.
Howard: I mean, there was an absolute change. Big.
Paula: Oh my God, you know in every different city there were different hair and make-up people and sometimes I just said, "I'll just do it myself" which was the biggest mistake on my part.
Howard: And when Simon would ridicule you and say you hired a joke
writer... Is that true, did you hire a joke writer?
Paula: (nods) The same one that he had.
Howard: You had a joke writer?
Simon: Yeah, right.
Paula: (sarcastically) Oh, never.
Simon: You reckon I would use a joke writer?
Paula: Oh, never.
Simon: No, seriously, would I?
Howard: Paula, did you hire a joke writer?
Paula: Randy and I aren't saying anything.
Howard: So is it Randy and Paula vs. Simon this season again or is it different?
Paula: No, it's all loving.
Randy: Yeah, it's all love. It's all of us against each other.
Howard: Since we're running out of time, here's what we have to choose
from. Fred did prepare another song, but I want to see Simon's girlfriend. Bring her in right away, I want to see her.
Simon: Are you going to let her audition?
Howard: Let her sing? Does she sing at all?
Howard: Really? Is she really good?
Howard: Are you gonna make a record with her?
Simon: YEAH! That's the deal.
Howard: Simon, do you ever worry that she doesn't love you for you? Because I know you buy her a tremendous amount of gifts.
Paula: Ugh...I need to leave.
Howard: What is it, Paula? What? Why are you leaving? You have thoughts on this?
Robyn: Does he buy her a lot of gifts?
Howard: Paula, what are you saying?
Paula: I'm gonna tell you she's a very lovely girl.
Howard: But do you think she's with Simon because of...
Paula: (interrupting) I'm not saying a word.
Randy: Ooh, this is dangerous.
Terri walks in with headphones on and the screen (this is funny), they flash up the words: Gerogina, Simon's girlfriend. Georgina? Wow, about a year off there, Howie.
Howard: Alright, this is Simon's girlfriend. Oh! Hello, baby.
Howard: Whoa. Do you sing?
Terri: I do not sing. I do not sing.
Howard: How long have you been dating Simon?
Terri: Two days? No.
Howard: No, really.
Terri: Since November, but we've been friends for years.
Howard: You've been friends for years.
Howard: And what made you fall in love with him? Was it his success? Is that what it is?
Randy: Ooh, love, love. Is it love?
Paula puts her hand on her forehead and rolls her eyes.
Howard: Is it love? Do you love him?
Terri: I'm not answering that.
Robyn: Did he tell you he'd bring you to America?
Howard: (to Simon) Are you trying to propose to her now? Is that what you're trying to do?
Simon: (about Robyn) If you hear a little bit of woman, Terri, just ignore it...
Howard: Simon, would you marry her?
Simon: No, I'm not going to marry anyone.
Howard: You don't want to get married?
Simon: No, do you?
Howard: Do I want to get married, no. I've been married.
Paula: He had the courage to be married.
Howard: It doesn't work.
Randy: Did you like it?
Howard: A little, but I mean, I was married twenty years. It got bad.
Robyn: Simon, you've never been married?
Paula: Terri, do you want to get married?
Terri: No, not at the moment.
Howard: How is sex with Simon? Rate it for us.
Terri: Stop asking...you can't ask these questions.
Simon: (laughing) You can't ask these questions? You're on the Howard Stern show!
Howard: With your hands, show me how big his penis is.
Terri laughs and shakes her head no while Paula and Randy try to convince Howard that it's rather small.
Randy: Angry inch small, man.
Howard: Paula, you've seen it. Have you seen it?
Paula: (confused) Huh? What?
Howard: Okay, I want to thank Randy, Paula, and Simon. You guys are a fun group.
Simon: Thank you for publicly humiliating us. We obviously don't what we're talking about, so thanks.
Howard: You were humiliated today.
Howard: Yeah, I couldn't wait to do that. Well, humiliate me sometimes, okay?
Simon nods and laughs.
Howard: Fred has prepared a song. Go ahead, Fred.
Fred: This is available to Paula or Randy if they want it. It's about Simon. (sings) Simon is a fag, Simon is fag, Simon is fag. He acts like a sissy his whole friggin' life, he loves his mommy, got dumped by his wife, have you ever seen a bigger boob in your life? Simon is fag...
Paula and Randy laugh.
Howard: Paula would sing that.
Paula: Oh, yeah!
Simon: She'd like that.
Randy: I think we should put it out.
Simon: You know a fag in England is a cigarette?
Howard: That's right.
Simon: So you just wrote a song about me being a cigarette.
Fred: And I'm sure you've been smoked many times.
Camera cuts to Simon, Paula, and Randy outside talking with Josey.
Simon: Thanks for publicly humiliating us! That was great.
Cameraman: Are you mad at Howard?
Simon: Hey, listen. If you give it, you take it.
Retyped by "liaraven28" on the MSN "AmericanIdolBoard".
Special thanks to Annie for her submissions.